How can depression be defined? How does it feel to live with? How can it be cured?
a project by Anne Puhlmann
Depression is not something that occurs out of nowhere.
Somehow it has always been there.
Is it normal that I sometimes feel bad or that I feel depressed?
For me it is quite difficult to be able to analyse this myself.
Especially because I don‘t want to label it as just being black and white.
There as various shades to it, as everyone experiences depression differently.
I have always tried to follow all of the rules, to make everyone happy.
But when you reach the point where you notice that you will never make every single one happy – this is when depression starts.
There are events that shaped me and that triggered my depression.
Of course it always depends on how a child deals with traumatic events, how resilient it is. This way one life story can make one person sick, whereas another one not.
It started in my childhood, for starters in elementary school. I was a knowit-all, we did not have much money, always wore cheap clothes, for which I was constantly teased. Because of this I thought I was less worth than the others. I did not feel cool in any way and was very influenced by my classmates. Constantly comparing myself to others was something that shaped me in a major way. Another period were my teen years, where I hated myself and thought that I was the ugliest person on the planet. My mindset was: ‚I cannot do that‘. That was something that I could apply to everything in my life.
I was so convinced that I wasn‘t able to do anything. And that was how I started to see and live my life.
For me these were stages of a total lack of motivation and listlessness, during which I noticed that I cannot cope with my everyday life, that I was too weak.
During theses times the energy was just not there and I felt as if I was held captive within myself.
You can rarely be happy about anything, you reach your limit, hide from live, feel no hunger and you have the feeling that you have seen and experienced everything already. Life just goes on, you live, but you don‘t feel that way. You are numb and just think of yourself like a wheel on a clockwork, that turns, because it just has to. This is possibly the worst kind of state to be in.
These stages mostly came without a warning. There suddenly were just there and you could only hope that you survived them. At times it could take weeks, even months until they passed. When you lived through such a episode nothing makes sense, everything breaks down. You only function, but don‘t really live. On the one hand you don‘t want to die, but on the other hand you don‘t want to live either. There are moments, when you cannot imagine to survive everything. You think that you simply will fall apart eventually – though that never happened.
Psychological pain has no boundaries. When it is as its worst I wish any other form of pain upon me. Any other physical pain, so the pain inside me stops.
Even though I am in therapy for five years now, I only recently was able to admit to myself that I am depressed. This is also due to the fact that I feel that way longer than I can remember. Because of that I saw it as being or feeling normal and thought that I am just simply different, weird, fucked up. For six months now I am also going to body therapy and I feel as if this connection between body and mind is really helpful. At some point during discussion therapy I had the feeling to not be able to move forward anymore. There were many things that I came to understand and realize, but nothing really changed for me. At some point the mind just comes to its boundaries. The body on the other hand is more intelligent then we give it credit for. It stores and remembers all our experiences, even though we might not have been aware of them in the first place.
Today I am in therapy for almost eight years. At the moment it is discussion therapy. I cannot say jet if this will work for me. For now I do not think so. I have learned, that to wait for better times is one way to not be buried too much in suicidal thoughts.