PC: Jeanine Leblanc
My Three Toxic Best Friends
I don’t like PCOS. I don’t like that I tire out easily and that during some of my really bad flare ups I can’t make it around both the neighborhood and the school. That I have to wear a patch on my skin that leaves behind a sticky residue when it is gone. That I am stuck with the patch because I am some of the unlucky few who gets nauseous with all of the oral birth controls. That it caused me to lose some of my hair before we realized what was wrong with me. That I may never be able to have kids, and part of me is relieved at this and part of me is devastated. That I think the PCOS is leading to endometrioses and I am furious about that because it seems out of everything in this world my body is the one things I have the least amount of control over.
I don’t like bipolar disorder. I don’t like that my mood fluctuates from happy to sad faster than it takes me to decide on an outfit to wear and, I only wear 4 different outfits for each season. That I can want to cry and curl up in a ball for no reason at all. That I want to eat the whole entire bag of chocolates and never get up again even though I have plenty to get done. That it worries my mother as she sits and says “maybe I need to go to Valley” and I respond no because I don’t want to go to a mental hospital. That my bipolar gets worse at the end of semesters and has caused me to have to withdraw from school which causes me to feel like I am stupid and worthless.
I don’t like my anxiety. That I am afraid of things that are never going to happen, like me single -handedly causing the world to end. That I am afraid to drive my car because I might somehow cause harm to someone else. I could care less if I’m hurt or not my life isn’t important. That when I was at UGA I stopped eating because I was afraid the food would somehow go down the wrong pipe and I would die. That in the pictures of that time I’m so skinny I don’t even recognize myself. That it causes me to lose sleep and stare at the wall for hours on end as I toss and turn praying to whatever God is out there that I could have some peace. That I never enjoy anything because there is always something to be afraid of or something that I worry I should be doing.
I hate that nobody knew what was wrong for the longest time so they did test after test and pricked me with needle after needle, butterfly and quick gauge and you never know how much those butterfly needles can hurt until a nurse digs into your arm searching for a vein. That I had doctor after doctor tell me that I just needed to exercise more and that my own dad is a doctor and he failed to diagnosis me. That I suffered for years and was not diagnosed until I was 22. That there is no cure for any of my conditions. That I have to take pills and explain to people that I’m not crazy, but yes, I go to therapy. That I somehow have several conditions.
I don’t like being sick.
About The Author - Caroline Hood
Caroline Hood is studying English: Creative Writing at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and hopes to go on to obtain her MFA. She lives with PCOS, anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder. She enjoys writing about these topics to help raise awareness and reduce the stigma associated with them. She hopes that her writings can help her readers feel that they are not alone.